Try these tips to nip
your child's bold and brash behavior in the bud.
Keep Your
Composure
You don't have to
put up with your child talking back, but be careful about how you react,
because your response can either improve or weaken your relationship with your
child. Be too lenient, and the cheekiness could lead to more worrisome
behavior. Be too strict, and your child could feel that he can?t express
himself, which will lead to a communication shutdown. Your child is probably
feeling some intense emotions already, so if you don't keep your reaction as
mild as possible, a nasty power struggle might ensue. Yelling, making threats,
or screaming "How dare you? I'm your mother!" will only escalate the
situation. It's best to hold your tongue, take some deep breaths, count to 10
(or 20), and ask yourself if what you're about to say will help or hurt the
situation. If you still feel yourself losing control, or if your child has
already lost control, keep calm and say that you will continue the conversation
later when both of you have cooled down. Then walk away to another area of the
house. If the two of you are in public, don't engage in a war or words.
Instead, tell her that the conversation is on pause until you get in the car or
make it home.
Determine the Root Cause
Back talk isn't always a true expression of
your child's feelings, and the reason might be rooted in something unrelated to
you. Maybe your son is having problems with a friend in school and taking it out on you because he
feels you're a safe target. Or perhaps he's stressed about homework and screaming at you to get out
of his room. If this happens, remain calm and collected, and ask questions to
get to the root of the problem. ("Did something happen today at
school?" or "Did you say that because you need some time
alone?") Figuring out the reason behind the snappy comeback can make it
easier to understand and resolve the issue.
Explain What's Acceptable
When your usually
docile child says ?Get off my back!? in response to a request, she might be
repeating something she?s heard and not realize she's being rude.
"Children sometimes hear their friends talking back, and they want to be
like them, so they may imitate the language," says Hannah Chow-Johnson,
M.D., assistant professor of pediatrics at Loyola University Chicago Stritch
School of Medicine. So be explicit about what is and isn't okay. Tell her it's
fine to say that she's angry or tired, for instance, or that she doesn't feel
like talking at the moment. But name-calling, yelling, or telling you to go
away is unacceptable.
Carry Out Consequences
Once you
discuss which behaviors and phrases are inappropriate, let your child know
there will be consequences if he crosses the line. Determine what these
consequences will be -- losing certain privileges (video-game sessions, TV
time, etc.), getting additional chores, or going to bed earlier -- and let him
know ahead of time so he won't be caught by surprise when he's punished. Most
important,follow through. Being consistent and sticking to the rules is
the only way to show you mean business.
Model Your Expectations
It's very
important that you model the behavior you expect from your child. Children
learn by imitating what they see, especially at home, says Gail Gross, Ph.D.,
Ed.D., a family psychologist in Houston. If your 5-year-old overhears you using
a snarky tone when speaking to your spouse or your mother-in-law, she will
learn it's okay to treat others (including you) in a similar manner. So make
sure you speak and treat others (family, friends, neighbors, and strangers)
respectfully, even when you think your kid isn't around (little ears often hear
everything).
In addition,
examine your own interactions with her. "If you see a pattern of back talk
developing with your child, sometimes the best thing to do is grab your phone
and record audio," says Erik A. Fisher, Ph.D., a psychologist and the
author of The Art of Empowered
Parenting: The Manual You Wish Your Kids Came With. You don't have to let
your kid know -- simply glance at the phone when your kid's talking back and
hit the record button. The recording gives you a chance to listen to your
child's tone as well as your own. Many times when parents listen, they realize that
they used the same sarcastic or disrespectful tone as their child, which is how
the child learned it, says Dr. Fisher.
Praise Politeness
Pay extra
attention when your child is exhibiting positive behaviors instead of negative
ones. When your kid talks and expresses herself in a respectful manner, show
your approval. Tell her, "I really like the way you waited your turn to
speak" or "You did a really good job explaining yourself without
raising your voice." This will make her feel good and help her realize
that Mom and Dad also notice good things. The best part: She'll talk back less
often!
-Thanks to parents.com
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