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Don't Protect Kids From
Failure
It may be one of the hardest tasks
as a parent, but let your kid make her own mistakes -- and learn from them. To
help kids prepare for sticky situations, help them learn to accept life's
realities, such as conflict, struggle, and consequences. For instance, if your
daughter repeatedly forgets to take her lunch to school, let her manage for
herself in the cafeteria one day. If she isn't getting along with a teacher or
a classmate, let her try working it out first. "Children have to deal with
the fact that this world is full of flawed people," says Christine Carter,
Ph.D., author of Raising
Happiness and a sociologist
at UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center. Avoid becoming a
"helicopter" parent, who is always hovering, or a
"snow-plough" parent, who swoops in and rescues a child before
something bad happens. Instead, adopt a middle-ground approach to parenting.
"The trick is to stay just far enough away that the child begins to
develop her own autonomy, but close enough that if a child is floundering, the
parents can come in and pick her up," says Dorothy Stubbe, M.D., associate
professor and program director at Yale University School of Medicine Child
Study Center.
Don't Criticize and Compare
Shining the light on unwelcomed behavior can often backfire.
"Give a reaction when you want an action repeated," Dr. Harrison
says. "Ignore things you don't want to continue. For some kids, a bad
reaction is better than no reaction." In other words, say something nice
when your daughter puts away her toys, but try to hold your breath when she
doesn't share them with her little brother. Avoiding criticism boosts a child's
self-esteem and helps keep her happy and motivated, Dr. Stubbe says. If your
child repeats the bad behavior, try hard to continue ignoring it. If it
persists, remain patient, and calmly explain to him why his behavior is not
acceptable, and remind him of how he should act.
If you have multiple children, avoid comparing them with each
other. Every child is an individual, so focus on individual strengths. For
instance, if your son makes his bed every day but your daughter never does,
tell him how much you appreciate his efforts to be tidy. Don't scold your
daughter or ask why she can't follow instructions or be neat like her brother.
But if your daughter does start making her bed (even if it's every other day),
praise her. Set expectations that are reasonable based on their personalities.
"It's important for each child to understand his unique value to
you," Dr. Harrison adds.
Don't Hide the Negative
Positive stories are good, but negative ones are just as -- if not more
-- effective, because they illustrate perseverance. Negative anecdotes enforce
the idea that families can stick together and triumph through good times and
bad. "No life is free from adversity no matter how healthy or wealthy you
are," Dr. Carter says. "Kids need to learn how to deal with it."
Help your child understand that she's part of something larger than herself,
like family. Tell stories about your family, whether they're about you, your
spouse, or extended relatives. Storytelling doesn't have to be formal. Try
engaging with your children at dinner or during family gatherings. A person's
happiness is deeply tied to the depth and breadth of her social relationships,
Dr. Carter notes.
-Thanks to parents.com
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